159th Guards Aviation Regiment

159th Public Forum => The 'Humour Room' => : 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 12:51:27 PM

: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 12:51:27 PM
Your new bloody registration/ activation process.

Had to make a Gmail account cos your bloody software doesn't like my real e-mail provider. Jesus. I turn my back for a year or so and you lot bugger off to Hell in a handbasket!!

Came round to wish you a happy new year and lo and behold you buggers have gone and changed the bloody locks..... And the curtains....... And the carpets!!


Christ on a crutch, Jojo..... You better get your arse over here with a glass of YPV pronto before I start having palpitations!!!!



AND WHY DON'T THE FLAMING SMILEYS WORK???????


[EDIT]

.........AND WHERE DID THOSE TWO SMILEYS COME FROM???


: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Archer January 01, 2018, 02:04:46 PM
Yo-ho and a happy-New-year to our 'positive mental state' adviser too! -I see you're actually in a better frame of mind at the minute than is usual at this time of year, Comrade J!

Glad you're still knocking about by-the-way, -apologies for * (enter all of the above you complained about here) but we we hit by Hurricane Boris. Summat like that any-road...

YPV is back in the stores -so not everything is stuffed. :P
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 02:41:52 PM
Well it's no bloody use in the store is it???


C'mon man. It's not often you get you get a guest of my stature (re: half crippled!!)


Oh hang on. I see you've had a promotion. Where's your manservant?....... Jojo.......? Oh Jojo where are you?? I'm still waiting for my drink over here.......   
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Axman January 01, 2018, 02:49:53 PM
You never change, J. Such a happy go lucky soul.  :)
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 02:54:00 PM
Course I don't change...... If I did none of you buggers would recognise me would you??  :P


Besides, now I'm too old to die young I'm too old for all that change malarkey as well. That's mt excuse and I'm sticking to it!!
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Archer January 01, 2018, 03:25:11 PM
Ahh yes Jester -whilst you're in a good mood and feeling co-operative, can I ask you a few questions seeing as you're an ex-squad CO?

First off -how many volts do you recommend when questioning ground-crew about minor misdemenors? -over 100?

The trap-door into the snake pit -did you prefer it inside the office or in the corridor?

And finally -when you require a pilot to 'do the honorable thing' and top themselves -did you ever give 'em a spare bullet?
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 03:34:47 PM
Ahh yes Jester -whilst you're in a good mood and feeling co-operative, can I ask you a few questions seeing as you're an ex-squad CO?

First off -how many volts do you recommend when questioning ground-crew about minor misdemenors? -over 100?

No no no. More finesse. The voltage is not important. So long as the current is flowing at HV line level you'll be fine. Just remember, if you have time to say "frying tonight!" you've probably left it too long and will need to contact Moscow for a replacement.

The trap-door into the snake pit -did you prefer it inside the office or in the corridor?

Under the visitor's chair is usually good. Certainly most efficient as it cuts out 50% of the wear on the carpet (cos the bugger doesn't have to walk on it to leave....!)

And finally -when you require a pilot to 'do the honorable thing' and top themselves -did you ever give 'em a spare bullet?

Oh c'mon now Archer.... Do you have such a short memory? "Give" them a spare bullet? Absolutely not......... Sell them one.....Maybe.



And who says I'm in a good mood?....... I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY BLOODY DRINK!!!!
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Archer January 01, 2018, 04:28:32 PM
Ahh yes Jester -whilst you're in a good mood and feeling co-operative, can I ask you a few questions seeing as you're an ex-squad CO?


The trap-door into the snake pit -did you prefer it inside the office or in the corridor?

Under the visitor's chair is usually good. Certainly most efficient as it cuts out 50% of the wear on the carpet (cos the bugger doesn't have to walk on it to leave....!)

 Ohh -I hadn't thought of that!

And finally -when you require a pilot to 'do the honorable thing' and top themselves -did you ever give 'em a spare bullet?

Oh c'mon now Archer.... Do you have such a short memory? "Give" them a spare bullet? Absolutely not......... Sell them one.....Maybe.

Mmmm -I'm confused here for all sorts of reasons; the fact that they'd need another bullet shows poor marksmanship -which is punishable by death of course. The fact that they would in fact be doing a 'blue-on-blue' is also punishable by death -problem is, which one do they get executed for firstly?!


And who says I'm in a good mood?....... I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY BLOODY DRINK!!!!
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 06:37:15 PM
Mmmm -I'm confused here for all sorts of reasons; the fact that they'd need another bullet shows poor marksmanship -which is punishable by death of course. The fact that they would in fact be doing a 'blue-on-blue' is also punishable by death -problem is, which one do they get executed for firstly?!

Well as CO that's your perogative. However I wouldn't report too many cases of waking them up to shoot them again to Moscow. Comrade Putin may become concerned about your marksmanship and invite you to attend one of his ....erm.... hunting expeditions......!!


AND WHERE'S MY DRINK???????


[edit]  .... And what the hell is going on with these smileys? When I want to use 'em they don't work and when I don't want to use 'em they bloody well show up!!!!!

[edited edit]........Hmmm.... Thinking about it, they kind of remind me of how FW used to be..............
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Axman January 01, 2018, 09:50:54 PM


AND WHERE'S MY DRINK???????


[edit]  .... And what the hell is going on with these smileys? When I want to use 'em they don't work and when I don't want to use 'em they bloody well show up!!!!!

[edited edit]........Hmmm.... Thinking about it, they kind of remind me of how FW used to be..............

Barman Administrator Jo, will be along soon enough.

Hey, are you qualified to pass dispersions on FW, old man?  :)
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester January 01, 2018, 10:09:53 PM
Qualified? Me? QUALIFIED??

I was flying Su-33's into the back of the Kuz........ Erm.... I mean flying from and landing on the Kuz, in zero visibility before you were out of nappies. This was back in the day when if the Kuz changed course during a mission, your ILS would direct you to land across the width of the deck rather than along it's length.

Runways? Pah! We laughed at runways.


......So to answer your question you bloody whipper-snapper......... No. I'm probably  not!!  :P
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Axman January 01, 2018, 10:16:55 PM
Good answer, because neither am I.  :)
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: Mako January 13, 2018, 11:04:06 PM
Qualified? Me? QUALIFIED??

I was flying Su-33's into the back of the Kuz........ Erm.... I mean flying from and landing on the Kuz, in zero visibility before you were out of nappies. This was back in the day when if the Kuz changed course during a mission, your ILS would direct you to land across the width of the deck rather than along it's length.

Runways? Pah! We laughed at runways.


......So to answer your question you bloody whipper-snapper......... No. I'm probably  not!!  :P

Good Ol Jester!!

There's more Su33's parked on or around the propellers of the Kutz than I care to remember!   I think we used to just tie a dinghy to the back for us to swim to :)

: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Archer January 15, 2018, 03:20:01 PM
Just done a quick head-count of new members, old members and those that tend to inhabit the graveyard; it appears we have more old members (some of whom are actually listed as being in the graveyard) and the active pilots (those that have been seen moving at some point) are now vastly out-numbered.

Upshot of this is that we need a massive recruitment drive on fit-young nurses to 'assist' the cronked lot. Out of respect for the role of CO I cannot possibly affirm rumours I'm on this list.

So, if you see any fit young (and preferrably female!) nurse, just reach out and grab 'em. It's OK as the CO has made this an official order, so no Cops will interfere.

After-all -just look at poor-old Helenkova -she's proper shagged-out.
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: Mako January 15, 2018, 07:14:12 PM

Who are you calling old??? Mind you - there's nurses involved, pass me the zimmer frame!
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Viper January 31, 2018, 05:26:36 PM

After-all -just look at poor-old Helenkova -she's proper shagged-out.

That's Jester and his bloody Steam-Punk Rust-Room of Pleasure........... :o
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester February 02, 2018, 08:06:14 PM
Viper.......AND Mako......!!!!!!!!


My two favourite targets have just entered the firing range.....Erm I mean bar..........!! 


Hope you two aren't thirsty....... I've been here for weeks and the tight bastards STILL haven't fixed me a drink!!!!!!!
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Viper February 02, 2018, 08:32:30 PM


Hope you two aren't thirsty....... I've been here for weeks and the tight bastards STILL haven't fixed me a drink!!!!!!!

You’re in the wrong fkucing bar you crazy old koot..... told you that you need that monocle replaced ages ago ffs........

Now get your skinny ass outta the mortuary and over to the Arms pronto!

Oh wait, on second thoughts, hang tight, I’ll send someone to get you......
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Jester February 03, 2018, 02:59:23 AM
Course I'm in the bloody mortuary.

That's where the best alcohol is kept. Can't beat to 100% proof stuff. Why the hell d'you think my eyesight went in the first place??   :P
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Viper February 03, 2018, 03:29:41 PM
Course I'm in the bloody mortuary.

That's where the best alcohol is kept. Can't beat to 100% proof stuff. Why the hell d'you think my eyesight went in the first place??   :P

 ::)

dramatically rolls eyes.......

Listen carefully Old Timer.......I’ll speak with a loud voice......

We caught Archer down there after a sordid run in with Comrade Svetlana, yes, that Comrade Svetlana, Comrade Helenkova’s cousin thrice removed and twice beaten with the fugly stick...... yeah, that one.

Well Archer was six sheets to the wind, swinging bone-saws, so we decided to exchange the 100-proof for paraffin and bury the bastards quicker!

Sooooooo......

GET YOUR ASS OUTTA THERE - that stuff will rot your brain!

Oh, wait......
: Re: Here's a joke forya......
: 159th_Archer February 03, 2018, 04:21:12 PM

Well Archer was six sheets to the wind, swinging bone-saws, so we decided to exchange the 100-proof for paraffin and bury the bastards quicker!


'scuse me!!! Officers aren't allowed to get tipsy!

It's completely smashed, or nothing! :P